Do you want me to follow you on Twitter?

Then...

1. Do you have a profile picture other than this default or an egg?    ... No? Then there's no chance unless it's something like ...

2. Have you added a profile description? ...  No? Then you have no chance.

3. Are you trying to sell followers? ... Yes? No chance and an instant block. I don't want my followers to see your posts. Buying fake and useless followers is pointless.

4. Do you send out 'haha' direct messages? ... Yes? I'm not going to follow your link to a malware site and certainly won't follow you. Expect an instant block.

5. Are your tweets full of swearwords? … Yes? There's not much chance unless there's a reason for using them. Try replacing the 'F' word with 'Sandwich'. ' It makes just as much sense and it's a lot funnier. (Thanks for that suggestion David Icke)

6. Is your profile written in good English? … No? Sorry spelling and grammar are still important and if you make too many mistakes, I'm unlikely to follow you.

7. Do you send out lots of direct messages? … Yes? Then I'm already following you but I won't be for much longer. The occasional one in a private conversation is OK. DMs can be an intrusion though - especially the pointless ones which say  just "Hi". If you send me a link that I haven't asked for then I'm NOT going to click it.

8. Are you trying to be offensive? ... Yes? Then there's no chance. No one likes trolls.

9. Do you post sexually explicit pictures? ... Then you've no chance and will be blocked by me and are likely to blocked by Twitter soon.

10. Are your tweets and profile full of text abbreviations? ... Ys? b4 I fllw U id hv 2 b crzy

11. Do lots of your tweets have links with red WOT circles? ... Yes? Then there's little chance. If you don't know about Web of Trust - WOT - you should do.

12. Does your profile mention your religion? ... Yes? Then there's little chance. Go preach somewhere else. Telling me you are Christian/Muslim/Jewish/etc tells me only that faith (belief based on no evidence) is acceptable to you. You're wrong - Faith is the cause of the world's greatest evils.

13. Does your profile mention your politics? ... Yes? Then there's little chance and you might not want me to follow you either because I enjoy poking fun at politicians. Here's a blog post about the 2010 UK election.

Found this useful so far? Click the button to Tweet this page.

14. Do you sometimes retweet others?  ... No? Then there's not much chance unless you are really interesting

15. Do you respond to others tweets? ...No? Twitter is all about interaction so I probably won't follow you.

16. Do you have more than 1,000 followers but have tweeted less than 100 times? ... Yes? I don't follow celebrities with nothing to say or people who have bought or gained useless followers.

17. Do you ONLY retweet others? ... Yes? Then there's not much chance (unless you are retweeting me). Many Twitter spammers do that. Try at least pinning one of your posts so that it shows at the top for me to retweet in return.

18. Do you retweet the same 20 tweets endlessly? ... Yes? Then there's no chance. Try retweeting from a bank of 1,000+ tweets.

19. Do you use TrueTwit? ... Yes? Then there's no chance of me 'validating.' If you want to find out why - check here.

20. Do you allow autotweets about how many people unfollowed/followed you or to thank people for following?  ... Yes? Then that's not good but there's some chance if something else catches my interest. Rather than thanking people - retweet one of their tweets.

21. Do you tweet or retweet multi line posts like this:
Yes? These are so annoying, especially if you are using Twitter mobile apps. I'm not going to follow anyone who hogs so much space on my screen!

22. Are all your tweets adverts for something? ... Yes? Then there's no chance and I'll probably mute your tweets.

23. Are all your tweets quotes? ... Yes?  Then there's not much chance unless you find really interesting quotes I've never heard before.

24. Do most of your tweets start with ' I ' ... Yes? Then there's not much chance unless you are really interesting. That's called being a bore.

25. Are most of your tweets about sport? ... Yes?  Then there's little chance. If you do that expect to cut your followers by at least 50%

26. Are you promoting/tweeting about Apple products? ... Yes? 50% of people are not at all interested and a good percentage of those think Apple users have more money than sense. Because of the latter people who want to sell you things will probably follow you.

27. Are your tweets protected? ... Yes? Then there's no chance. I'm not going to follow anyone I can't see.

28. Are you pretending to be Yoda, Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, Sherlock Holmes, Einstein etc. Yes? I'm tired of these so there's little chance - do something original.

29. Are most of your tweets automessages 'Thank you for following me...'? Yes? Then I doubt if you'll be sending one to me. Here's Rachel Thompson's blog about why you shouldn't allow autotweet messages

Even worse - someone who retweets 'Thank you for following me' tweets.

30. How many hashtags are you using? 1-3? That helps (2 is best) 5 or more - You must be kidding! Is the key stuck? ###################### How many hashtags are in your Bio?

31. Do you follow tweeps and unfollow them 1-2 days later? … Yes? By the time I get round to checking your tweets, you'll probably have unfollowed me and I probably won't follow you because I doubt if you're real.

32. Are you really a 'bestselling author? I'll check, and if your books have an overall rank at Amazon.com of over a million, I'll probably laugh, feel smug, and move on Beware the (desperate) bestseller.

33. Is your profile picture one showing an attractive young female? I'll check you out carefully (No, not that way) to find if you are fake. This profile picture (which I've partially pixelated) proved to be one used by several tweeps all of which had 30-40% fake followers. This may be a little unfair to genuinely attractive young women but you'll have to live with it. To check a profile picture in Google Chrome right click it while holding down the 'S' key.

34. Does your bio have a comment "Follow me and I'll follow back" or use the hashtag #Followback? Whilst I might tolerate you following me, I'm unlikely to follow you back and I'll probably hide posts with your twitter name. You will accumulate hundreds of fake followers with that statement. Spend some time and check those you follow.

35. DO YOU TWEET IN ALL CAPS? This is considered shouting and bad manners on Internet. You'll find the Caps Lock key at the left hand side of your keyboard. Switch it off and I may follow you. Incidentally block capitals are harder to read because they lose the shape of the word. Try enlarging the text if you can't read it at normal size (Ctrl scroll wheel or Ctrl + usually works)

36. Is your Twitter bio a quote or comment? This tells me nothing about you and doesn't give me a reason to follow you. →

I might make an exception for something extremely clever or witty like this: ↓

At least that tells me you have a sense of humor but a bio like this tells me nothing about you other than you watch TV: ↓

37. Is your bio a declaration like this?  ↓

Just imagine if it said the opposite and said "My opinions are not my own. Retweet signifies agreement and support." Can you have an opinion if it's not you own? Would you retweet something you do not agree with and don't support? Bios like this say nothing useful.

38. Are you an 'Award winning author'? Unless that 'award' is a Pulitzer prize, Booker prize or a Hugo award, I'm not likely to be impressed. Award Profiteers: How writers can recognise and avoid them

39. Does your Twitter bio start with 'We'?  I want to socialize with individuals not corporations and organizations.

40. Does your bio mention your podcast or that you are a 'speaker'? I don't have time to listen to you, especially if your podcast contains that famous phrase 'Without further ado' (which invariably lies,) I can read much faster than you can speak.

41. Does your Twitter bio mention your sexuality? That's none of my business and I simply don't care to know more. As to those posts mentioning 'He/him' or 'She/Her' what is the point of this? Are you the boy called Sue?

42. Have you told me about yourself? If your Twitter bio is simply about your product or service, then I'm not going to follow you and probably won't be interested in your product/service.

43. Is your Twitter full of currently trending hashtags such as #BLM #ANTIFA #Resistance ?
Whilst I might sympathize/agree, filling your bio with them tells me of causes you support but isn't telling me much about you. ALL lives matter,  EVERY political organization has some redeeming features and resisting is fine if you can propose a BETTER alternative.

44. Does your Twitter bio look something like this?

I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out what this means and as a result won't be following you.

45. Is your Twitter bio simply a hyperlink with no other information? If you are too lazy to tell us about yourself then I and others are too lazy to follow you and are probably too cautious to click unexplained links anyway.

46. Your Twitter biography is no place for a copyright statement. Tell people what you can do for them - not what they can't do.

Do you tweet a variety... of news, pictures, comments, quotes, jokes, retweet others, reply to others, avoid being offensive, ask questions, link to interesting blogs AND have a meaningful profile picture and description? ... Yes? I'll follow you and so will lots of others! I'm @JChapman1729

What about you?

What sort of things put you off following people on Twitter?

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